Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some old-school, 1950s conservative relic who refuses to change diapers or set foot in the kitchen. Through twelve years of marriage and three children, I’ve been home with them plenty while supporting my wife’s climb up the corporate ladder. I even ironed my pants once and trimmed my own back hair. It’s just there are some things she has always taken care of because, well, I suck at it. You know, little Mom things she does like mornings, cooking, and…what’s that third thing? Oh, right, the children. Here are some things I discovered when she went on a business trip and abandoned us for a harrowing two and half days.
- The sun also rises. Hemingway was telling the truth.
- The wife’s side of the bed is softer, warmer, and smells nicer. Until it is filled with the frigid feet of her offspring whining about missing their Mommy.
- Don’t throw the alarm clock out with the baby’s bath water. At some point post breastfeeding years, a child, like its father, will sleep until woken by someone yelling at them or their carpool driver ringing the doorbell.
- 6 cups of coffee = the energy, alertness, and volume a child wakes up with naturally.
- Pop Tarts are a dad’s best friend. They cover at least two of the three meals of the day. But eventually your kids will tire of them at exactly the same time you commit to the “family-sized” box of 400.
- The school lunch that in your head would take 5 minutes to make, in reality, takes 45.
- Now I know how every substitute teacher feels, and you know what? I DON’T CARE HOW SHE DOES IT. AND I LIKE HER BETTER THAN YOU TOO! I mean, whoops, look at the time.
- Even in an ice storm, kids refuse to wear a jacket or any protective clothing other than a T-shirt. And likely the same dirty T-shirt they wore yesterday.
- Driving a minivan is not emasculating. If you consider that a night of UFC matches doesn’t top the amount of hard core brawling you can spectate over a three block drive to school. Then it’s like driving a Roman chariot. (remember this video?- http://thenkidshappened.com/?page_id=73. And I have a third boy in the school carpool. Yikes.)
- Getting a tardy pass from the mean office lady is just as terrifying and shameful thirty years later.
- The lunch you so thoughtfully crafted does not get eaten. Often not even opened. The Pop Tart does.
- Elementary school homework is as simplistically complex as IKEA instructions. Both make you feel dumber than a 5th grader.
- A wife is the ultimate search engine. She knows where everything is, how it works, and can find it before I even know how to ask for it. Without her is to be without Google- I’m forced to expose the fraud I really am by asking stupid questions out loud. Wifepedia.
- Competitive singing shows are not sports. But for an hour of harmony you can find a way to wager on the outcome. (standard text rates apply)
- Reading a children’s book is harder to stay awake through than a PBS documentary while slamming shots of Nyquil.
- If every spouse left the other parent alone with kids for three days, the divorce rate would be reduced to just celebrities.
Mommy come home!
What are your revelations? Leave me yours in the comments and I’ll post them.