36 morning minutes with kids- my pitch for birth control

In an effort to control the population, I submit a typical morning with kids:

7am– I awaken to the sounds of high-pitched screaming from the kitchen. I realize it is not a cause for alarm it is just one of my children enjoying their favorite hobby- loud shrieking for no reason (in rhythm similar to a car alarm. And if your car alarm was a cat having it’s tailed pulled repeatedly).

7:05– The other child joins in with the high-pitched staccato screaming for no reason. I futilely cover my head with pillows.

7:06– My wife comes into the room and blasts the light on to get dressed. I finally yell to the kids, “stop screaming!” and bury my head back in the pillows.

7:08– Youngest child stops screaming and jumps into bed with me. He hides under the covers touching his icy-cold feet to my warm legs and shouts, “Mom can we play hide-and-seek?” Surely my wife will defend my few precious minutes of peaceful rest. She disappoints me with her response, “Sure, honey! I’ll count to 20. 1…2…3…4…5…6…”

7:09– I leap out of bed, “20! Get out of my room!” Wife replies, “Well, it’s time to get up anyway. Don’t yell at the children. Oh, and after school the kids have a party at the skate rink if you can take them.”

7:10– Muttering to myself, I stumble into the kitchen and discover why I still love the mother of my children- because she makes coffee every morning. I there find my alarm clock, the middle child. He is high pitched screaming as he plays video games on my phone which now has less energy than I do.

7:12– Coffee in hand, I read over the permission slip for the “Skate Party!!!” If I can make it through the morning, I can look forward to 2 hours of mobs of squealing kids not being able to get skates on, not being able to skate, and then pleading for money for video games, money for snacks, candy machines and prizes they don’t have enough tickets for. Ugh.

7:18– I demand my phone back from the child playing games on it and tell him to get dressed for school.

7:20 – I actually get my phone back from child.

7:22– Instead of getting dressed the one child starts playing with a balloon and smashing it into the other child.

7:23– Other child retaliates from balloon attacks using a pillow. Both beat each other while shrieking wildly.

7:25– wife shouts, “Bye!” to all on her escape out the door. She gets in one last, “Don’t yell at them, honey.” before she abandons me with the loud mayhem.

7:26– I realize the time and yell at them, “GET DREEEESSED!” There are a few last hits and panicked scrambling by all.

7:30– It is time to go to school and none are dressed, fed, teeth brushed, nor happy.

7:36– Somehow kids achieve some of the aforementioned things ( half-assed) and we make it out the door for school. All are exhausted before the long day begins.

Stay tuned for my second installment towards pitching birth control – “The Skate Party!!!” 

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