Cinema and I agree on one thing – children are terrifying. This deep-rooted fear of our offspring has been exploited in movies longer than people have been disposing dirty diapers(1961). That’s chilling. Here is my list. Like our children, it is scary and funny and probably needs to be changed if I spent more time with it.
Why 11? In the classic mockumentary, Spinal Tap, the band rocks so hard that their amps go up to 11 when most go to 10. My wife loves Spinal Tap. So, like having children, we sometimes have to do things that make no logical sense to please our women.
I could easily do a list of 50, but I only want a brief Halloween celebration before we snap back to reality. Some may be surprised that many creepy icons did not make the list including Satan’s sons, Damian and Rosemary’s baby. Maybe they’ll make the cut next year if they provide better clips. Here are the ones that did.
This came out the same year I did. Hmm. My viewing of this at an early age probably explains a lot about me and this site. They made an actually scary remake a few years ago. I could have shown a gory clip from that but then I would lose my beloved female audience forever. Labor and delivery are freaky enough without blood-spattered walls and flesh-eating newborns.
If you’re expecting that cute kid in the red hoodie to be Elliot from E.T., then you’re about to get a harsh kick in your baby-maker.
I would never ever agree with Geraldo Rivera, but, I’m just saying, this raging prepubescent brings real fear to the hoodie. The hockey stick helps too.
It’s not a horror movie? Anyone with a daughter will beg to differ. This huffing, self-mutilating, thong-wearing thirteen year-old will cause parents more sleepless nights than any fantastical zombie child.
Speaking of Zombie kids, you know we had to have one. The original Night of the Living Dead in 1968 should be commended for introducing flesh-hungry adolescents. But I chose this clip instead because it’s friggin awesome. This entry should warn you shit’s about to get real on this list. (or far from real, but real scary)
I told you it was about to get real scary. The twins on this list are a no-brainer. Because they’re brains are splattered all over the walls! Eew. “Redrum” Danny is a spooky kid too. If I was stuck all winter with only him, freaked-out Olive Oil, and no beer, I, too, would probably turn to…writing. I was going to say, “writing”.
On second thought, Honey, maybe we shouldn’t leave the kids home alone on Halloween. The parents at the end of the scene should work on their discipline tactics or Mikey might not grow up to be normal.
“Now I want to play with yooou, Daddy”. Gage’s sweet little murderous voice haunts me every time my kids ask me to play Legos with them. Or that’s the excuse I use to avoid assembling their 1,254 piece Lego Millennium Falcon. I had to use this clip because it gives us all of Gage’s precious looks but also the bonus of the Mom’s horrendous dead sister. “Rachel!!”
Aww, vampire love keeps getting younger and bloodier. My first kiss was just like this. Except I don’t recall Natalie Galleon from down the street tasting like freshly killed Swede.
If one brutally violent, slightly deformed dwarf child is not enough, then how about a growing gang of them? You’re lucky I didn’t choose the scene showing the ex-wife birthing the infant freaks from her external womb. Bleh! Toronto director David Cronenberg is more deranged than we knew. Canadians are like the kids on this list - gotta love them, but something is not right. Love ya, Canada.
This got scary movies banned in my house forever. I suggested to my wife we watch when it came out. She had so many nightmares that she got revenge by giving me two more children. Now the closest thing to a scary movie shown in my house is the 1970s dubbed adventures of Pippi Longstocking
I wanted to be clever and choose something different for #1. But there’s no denying the Dark Lord in the body of a teenage girl wins. She’s got the full package of our fears of children: She kills, she vomits, she tries to be sexy, she’s a disrespectful teenager with a potty mouth and has pure evil flowing through her body. Her room is a mess too. How many times do we have to call the priests on you, young lady? I wonder if I didn’t know this movie, would I still suspect all children of having a little devil inside? Probably.
This may be the one that started it all. The plot synopsis describes the joyless juveniles as thus; “Their behaviour has become increasingly unusual and striking. They dress impeccably, always walk as a group, speak in a very adult way, are very well-behaved but show no conscience or love and demonstrate a coldness to others.”
Umm, I’d call that, “Village of the Blessed”!
That’s the end of the list. Now I have to stop viewing scary clips and get back to being spooked by the misconduct of normal children. Or are they normal?
Next year I’ll do all the ones you think I left off. So start submitting and calling me names. Happy Halloween!